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| Adam Kline wants someone else to take gun ban heat |
In the
Democrat Caucus room, I was able to
witness first hand the impressive intellectual titans we have elected to
represent us in Olympia. These fearless
leaders are the thin green line that separates us from the certain anarchy and
disaster that would befall every gay, transgender, Latino, Native American,
woman, child, animal, insect, plant, rock, and salmon in Washington if the
Republican Tea Bagger party were to take charge. I felt very privileged to take part and was
thankful to be a witness to this seminal landmark event.
In the
beginning, a number of political leaders were discussing the state of
legislation and their priorities as political leaders. Senator Kline (D-Seattle) got up and discussed
how his bill to outlaw all firearms in Washington State was thwarted for the
third time in a row, and he was very angry at the reporters who called him out
on this fact. “These reporters vote for
us. They support us, and we usually get
them to do our bidding. What he hell is
going on here? Why did they point out
the fact my bill allowed the warrantless police search of gun owners
homes? I needed to sneak that one in
there for the greater good. There was a
lot of potential there. Didn’t they get
the message?”
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| Frank Chopp tells it like it is, but does not want to debate honest Socialists |
Frank Chopp
(D-Seattle) explained, “I’m getting a little pushback from some of our big
donors because we are telling them to vote for us, but the actual legislation
we pass doesn’t live up to their expectations.
Did anyone notice that I got my ass kicked in a debate with my Socialist
opponent in the last election? She got
27%, and nobody even knew who she was or how to pronounce her name. That was better than any Republican has done
in my district in 16 years.”
“What do
they want us to do for them?” peeped Hans Dunshee (D-Lake Stevens) “I keep
getting reelected every time, but my margin is shrinking every cycle. I need some new ideas to keep these
challengers off my back.”
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| Hans Dunshee looking for a free ride next election |
“We really
need to get more Progressive in our outlook and our policy,” interrupted
Senator Ranker (D-Orcas Island) “my constituents tell me that we need to get a
real gun ban bill through this year, and it needs to have some teeth in
it. If Senator Kline would have listened
to me, we could have avoided the police search fiasco and just had regular
warrantless home searches done by the People for Puget Sound volunteers. We are already training these people to go
onto private property and file complaints for possible environmental violations
against Republican property owners. They
could easily be trained to enter homes and look for guns, inspect light bulbs,
verify that the toilets and appliances are correct, and even make sure the
kid’s toys are correct. This is far less
scary than a police inspection.”
“I like
where this conversation is going,” agreed Senator Fraser (D-Olympia). “Is there
any way for us to ensure that only Republicans and rural hicks get the
aggressive inspection treatment and they leave our supporters alone? At least the ones who donate to our
campaigns?”
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| Dwight Pelz is always looking at ways to punish his political enemies |
“I can speak
to that,” Interrupted Dwight Pelz (State Democrat Party Chairperson), “We have
donor and PCO lists and we can provide these to you by legislative
district. We can make sure we inspect
and fine only the political enemies, ignore our political donors and voters,
and issue warnings to those who are on the fence. The fence-sitters will get the message that
they need to vote for us, or they will be fined next. I really think this will help us take back
the Senate the next election cycle.”
At this
point there was a commotion at the door as it appeared Senator Tim Sheldon
(D-Hoodsport) was walking near the caucus rooms and the doors had to be barred.
“Are we sure
we swept this room for listening devices?” asked Representative Sam Hunt
(D-Olympia).
“The
Republicans are not that smart or capable.
We know their every move before they do” replied Dwight Pelz (strangely
he had some kind of knife in his hand, which he was sharpening). Everyone laughed.
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| Ross Hunter wondering why his fellow Democrats are being such pussies |
“Listen, I’m
tired of this pansy drivel,” interrupted Representative Ross Hunter (D-Medina)
“I am smarter than the rest of this room put together. I graduated from Yale. Worked at Microsoft, and I have more money to
throw at my campaign that our party will ever raise in my lifetime. Let’s face the facts here. The Republicans are unorganized, incompetent,
and they smell bad. Why can’t we get any
decent candidates to run against these morons and just kick their asses? Come on, how hard can it be? I thought when Governor Gregoire bribed that
idiot Republican Cheryl Plug (sp) to jump ship at the last minute that we would
have clear sailing in the Senate. That
is what our former governor told me.
Now, even though that plan worked, we are back in this nightmare
twilight zone where the Republicans still effectively control the State
Senate. Not because they won an
election, but because we can’t hold our own party together and two
semi-Democrats jumped ship. I mean why
am I wasting my time here? I could be
partying on my yacht on the way to our cabin on Lopez Island. Let’s get serious folks”
“All our
problems would just go away if we just gave all the private land back to the
Native Americans who really own it anyway!” exclaimed Representative McCoy
(D-Tulalip), “I propose that we pass a bill that would only let Native
Americans sell fireworks, alchohol, tobacco, pot, gambling, waterparks, host
strip malls, and host outdoor concerts.”
Raising his
hand, Sam Hunt (D-Olympia) “I’ll second that”
“You can’t
second my bills until you’ve done your penance,” replied McCoy.
“Hey,
listen, we have serious stuff to discuss here,” Chopp stated, “You two can
settle your differences at a different time.
Now listen, I have to go raise some money for the next election
cycle. John (McCoy) I expect you to help
me shake the Tribal tree for another two or three million. We’ll tell them whatever they want to
hear. Karen (Fraser), how much money can
you get the Conservation Voters to kick our way?”
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| Karen Fraser can always find ways to get tax dollars to her friends |
“On the
books, or off the books?” replied Senator Fraser (D-Olympia)
“It doesn’t
matter. We control the PDC, and they
know where their bread is buttered.
Nobody will look very closely anyway.
They know their days as employees of Washington State are numbered if
they dare to let any complaint stand against us” replied Representative Chopp.
“It really
depends on how much grant money we can give to them from DOE, PSP, WDFW, and
the Conservation Districts,” replied Senator Fraser.
“It is only
tax dollars, just give me a round number and I’m sure we can make it happen,”
replied Chopp.
“I’d like to
help” interjected Representative Stonier (D-Vancouver)
“How can you
help? You are a short-timer and you won
by a hair. Then you missed that 2/3
vote, and even the dim-witted Republicans are capable enough to come after you
on that one. You’re lucky we even let
you in this room,” Replied Representative Hunter (D-Medina)
“Who will
introduce the gun ban bill next session?” asked Senator Kline (D-Seattle) “I’ve
done this enough, and I don’t want the heat.”
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| Marcie Maxwell wants more spending and more taxes |
“Marcie
Maxwell can do it. She’ll introduce
anything I ask her to.” Stated Representative Chopp, “Now, you all know what we
need to do. Raise taxes. Call it revenue. Increase environmental grants so that we can
get some of that money back for campaign donations. Increase government workers so that the
unions can give us more money. We will
make some special exceptions for the tribes so that they give us more money as
well. Keep blaming everything on the
Republicans, and let’s get back to work.
We are here to win, and Dwight is here to keep you pure. Let me know which Republicans we can co-op
when necessary. We’ll do the usual “be
bipartisan and we won’t run a real candidate against you next year” story. There are enough newbies on the other side
that they might be stupid enough to bite.
Okay, back to work. Let’s grow
government!”
With that,
the meeting broke up. I felt very
privileged to be able to witness our leaders in action.
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